Female Health: When Sex Is A Burden – By Dr. Popoola Margaret Owoloyi (MBBS, MPH)

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“There’s so much to say about Sex, the Woman and Her Orgasm that cannot be fully discussed in the scope of this write up however, it is important to note that, being able to initiate sex with your spouse as a woman frees you from inhibitions that hitherto may hinder you from getting to the zenith of your passion”

*Black Women in Beauty, (Image courtesy of PRNewswire) used for female illustration purpose only


Robina had scheduled a conference call for us, against 7pm, Nigeria time. We were to discuss the proposal for a creative landmark idea we were trying to birth. We were all women, married, assumed to be fulfilled in all ramifications, spread across 3 continents of the world but had a common denominator – we were all Nigerians.

It was 7pm. The call came through. As we all hooked on one after the other, we realised we were going to have a little delay because Ola, hadn’t joined in on schedule. When she did, we bantered a little then Juanita playfully asked, ‘Girl, why did you keep us waiting? ‘Tell us the truth,’ she said amidst great laughter, ‘you were massaging your hubby in za oza room ba?’ As she finished the statement, we all erupted in laughter except for Ola who bursted into tears and we all became alarmed.
The truth was, Juanita’s innocent banter had touched a raw nerve. We learnt later after much coercion that all was not well in the affairs of ‘za oza room’ and gradually sex had become a burden for our friend. She said in a most tearful voice, ‘why can’t I explode?’ ‘Why can’t I climax?’ Why can’t I experience an orgasm like other women?’ Emenike, my husband, is having his post coital sleep now – the little death as he likes to jokingly call it – thinking that all is well, but the truth is, all is not well’. ‘I’ve been faking having an orgasm for the 6years we’ve been married’. There were times I felt I was almost there, like someone climbing a steep hill or mountain. I could feel the tension rising in my body, the increase and shortness in my breath, the racing heartbeat, the tightness in my chest, the warmth in my loin spreading ever so softly from within the core of my being as it fans out to other parts of me, and then comes that intense moment when it feels like I would explode; when it feels like one more push and I would be at the top of the mountain, then…nothing! Nothing happens and I’m left bereft and all I can do is fake an orgasm so Emenike never ever gets to think he is not satisfying me.’ Haven said all of that, she became calm and the purpose for our conference call momentarily took the back seat.

We talked at great length, with everyone trying to chip in a helpful advice, but you see, the trouble with us, Nigerians, is that it is difficult to talk about sex. Well maybe the men can talk but most women find it hard to talk about sex and so finally, the buck found its way to me as the physician amongst them because after all said and done, they all said to me, ‘so doctor, what do you say about the situation?’
And this here is an expanded version of what I said:

WHEN SEX BECOMES A BURDEN, you must first of all identify the reason or cause.

There are many factors that can cause sex to become a burden in a marriage however, for the scope of this discussion, we will limit our discussion to orgasm in a woman.

Orgasm is the climax of sexual excitement, characterized by intensely pleasurable feelings centred in the genitals and throughout the whole body. It may be accompanied by rhythmic contractions or jerkings. It may be mild,, almost unnoticed, like a blissful expression of satisfaction or it can be quite the bomb, just like an eruption. Bottom line is, the experience may differ from individuals to individuals.

After an orgasm, the face, neck, or chest may flush. People may feel sleepy, relaxed, or happy afterwards due to a release of endorphins.

For females, the muscles in the vagina and anus may contract roughly once per second, for around five to eight times. Heart rate and breathing rates may increase. Even temperature may increase.

Before and during an orgasm, the vagina may become wet, and it may even ejaculate this fluid. Research suggests that the percentage if females who ejaculate can range from 10 – 70%.

Directly after an orgasm, the clitoris may feel more sensitive or uncomfortable to touch.
In men, it can be experienced as an accompaniment to ejaculation.
Female orgasms last for about 20 – 35seconds.

1. It improves sleep quality
2. The body releases a hormone called oxytocin during an orgasm. Oxytocin may have a variety of health benefits such as:
a. Regulating anxiety
b. Reducing the risk of heart disease
c. Reducing the risk of cancer, such as ovarian cancer.
In addition, there is some evidence that frequent ejaculation in males might reduce the risk of prostate cancer.

Yes, women do have orgasm.
It may however occur differently in different women. While some may achieve it during penetration, some may achieve it at foreplay. Some may never experience it, yet there’s a small group, a handful of women actually who have what is known as orgasmic disorder.
According to research, there are about 11 types of orgasm that any woman (who has a vagina) is capable of having. They are Clitoral, Vaginal, G – spot, Blended, Anal, Multiple orgasms etc. The only difference is that while it may come easy for some, others ( infact, a good number of women) will require help with some degree of spousal stimulation of their identified sensual spots.

The stages/phases of orgasm has also been studied extensively and subtle differences have been found in the female orgasm as it relates to the male. The major difference is in the plateau.
Worthy of mention are the following models:
A. Masters & Johnsons 4 phase model.
1. Excitement
2. Plateau
3. Orgasm
4. Resolution

B. Kaplan’s 3 Stage Model
1. Desire
2. Excitement
3. Orgasm.

*A happy couple (image: printrest)

Yes! A woman can enjoy sex with her husband and be well satisfied without having an orgasm. In other words, having an orgasm is not a prerequisite to having an enjoyable sexual act.

Sex can become a burden with respect to orgasm, when the woman(or even the man sometimes) becomes preoccupied with the thoughts of climaxing at all cost during sexual intercourse. This situation is called orgasm anxiety. It puts great strain on the mind and interferes with the natural flow of the sexual act.

Orgasm Anxiety is when you’re overthinking your orgasm so much that you can’t relax and actually enjoy whatever sexual encounter you’re currently having. It can happen to people of all genders, and can manifest in different thoughts which may be negative. For instance, thinking of one’s inadequacies (real or perceived) and letting such insecure thoughts clog one’s mind during our most sensual act. It cripples performance.

Sometimes, the cause of an orgasmic problem may be physical and as such times, the physicians can diagnose it and proffer solution.

No. They are two completely separate processes…technically speaking.
Female ejaculation is otherwise called squirting. An individual can squirt without having an orgasm and an individual can have an orgasm without squirting.
Fascination with the idea of female ejaculation has been found to be unhealthy as it has mentally hampered many who erroneously thought it to be orgasm and so depressed for being unable to squirt. Get off it, girl.


First, you must find a way to bring romance back into your marriage and by extension into your sex life. A little romance ignites all the right sparks and rekindles the sexual warmth.

For most women, sex starts in the brain so to appropriately set the stage for a most rewarding romantic encounter, you must start the mental seduction earlier in the day and then let it build through the day. That way, climaxing when you eventually meet becomes easier.

Foreplay. Foreplay. Foreplay. The place of foreplay cannot be over emphasized. You and your spouse must engage generously in the act of foreplay. It sets the stage for excellent romance and lovemaking.

If Orgasm Anxiety – also known as preorgasmia – sounds familiar, you are not alone. A recent study suggests that orgasm anxiety is the top sexual concern among women.
To deal with it, you must do the following:

a. Talk About It.
Its possible that what you are worried about isn’t felt by your partner or he may be unaware of the reason you are anxious, so talk to your spouse about it.

b. Let go of the idea that you need to orgasm.
The truth is you can have gloriously enjoyable sex without orgasm, so avoid that mental pressure.

c. Focus on physical sensation. When you find your brain running through your orgasm anxiety monologue, focus intensely on the physical sensations of what you are feeling.

d. Don’t let sex be goal oriented. Just release yourself, let the act flow naturally, be in the moment and enjoy the moment.

There’s so much to say about Sex, the Woman and Her Orgasm that cannot be fully discussed in the scope of this write up however, it is important to note that, being able to initiate sex with your spouse as a woman frees you from inhibitions that hitherto may hinder you from getting to the zenith of your passion. The singular act of initiating the process may excite your spouse so much, that he could be energised to give much more of himself thereby culminating in an excellent climax for both of you.
I leave you and your spouse with these words; make passionate love, do not allow sex become a burden to each other.


https://www.nhs.uk>sexual health


*Dr. Popoola Margaret Owoloyi

Dr. Popoola Margaret Owoloyi MBBS, MPH also known as Dr. Meg, is an Orthopedic Surgeon in training at the Ahmadu Bello University Teaching Hospital, Zaria. She’s a Reverse Medical Tourism advocate and a champion of the call for a better health system for Nigeria and Nigerians. She is the ED, C-HELP Nigeria, Coordinator, Irawo Book club and the Chief Navigator at WOW Consult, a Patient Navigation outfit that seeks to connect patients to the appropriate health facility for their medical condition locally, thereby encouraging Reversal of Medical Tourism. She is the author of the financial bestseller NAIRA BOSS and the amazing medical text, EVERY PREGNANT WOMAN ( with Hausa translation) amongst others.

Dr. Popoola Margaret is the Convener of the C-HELP’s HEALTH SUMMIT and ANNUAL CANCER AWARENESS ROAD WALK. She is also the Convener of the HEROES of HEALTH AWARDS. JMBSR – a medical and basic science journal, is also floated by her organisation, C-HELP.

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